I Vent to Suck your Blood
by Georgiana1234
Summary: What would happen if the Cullens got stuck in a vent? Well read and find out.
1. A vent?

AN: This is my first ever fan fiction which I am putting up again under my own name! yippee!!! Sorry you won't here much more from the present me, all the author's notes from now are written by the past me. Ohh freaky!!! Enjoy!!

Chapter one: A vent?

"Come on Bella" Edward cried back to her as she dragged her feet along the floor "Time for PE."

A thought suddenly occurred to Bella. "Where do you go during my PE lesson Edward?" she asked him running to catch up.

"I watch you" he replied unflinchingly.

Bella stopped in her tracks. "What!" she nearly shouted at him "Where from?"

"A vent" he was still looking forward, cool, calm, Bella hated that.

"A vent?!" she echoed. "What do you do? Settle down with a bucket of popcorn and watch me humiliate myself?"

"Silly Bella, I don't eat popcorn. I'll see you after class." And giving her a quick kiss on her cheek he walked off leaving her still standing mesmerized, staring after him.

-

Edward settled down in the vent happily. It was so peaceful up here he thought as he scanned the gym below for the familiar PE short clad figure. Now where was she he thought dubiously. Not chatting to Mike and Jessica was talking to Lauren.

"Hi" said a bright voice from behind him.

"Hi" he mumbled and then did a double take "BELLA! WHAT ARE YOU. . .?"

"I thought it would be fun" she said batting her eyelashes at him "Can I stay pweaseee?"

"Half an hour" he grumbled turning back to the chaos below as Mike tried to explain the rules of table tennis to Jessica who was staring into his eyes dreamily. Then something occurred to him. "Bella. . .?" he started. Bella fought the erge to say " Yes pumpkin?" but settled for a measly "Uh huh?"

"Did you close the hatch when you came in?" Bella could hear the doom in his voice. "No. . ." he raised his eyebrows into perfect arches. "Bella?" he said "Is that the truth?" she averted her eyes. "Bella. . .?"

"OK, OK I did" she wailed and half the gym class looked around them, bemused.

"Why?" she asked in her sickly sweet voice.

"Erm well I usually isn't a way to get out of a vent once your inside."

"Well what did you do before?"

"I propped it open with an elastic band" he groaned.

"What you mean this one?" Bella cried triumphantly plucking at a brown rubber band round her wrist. Edward groaned.


	2. Too many vampires spoil the vent

**AN: Many people may be thinking things not unlike "Who is this crazy girl?" or "Should I be scared for my family?" but you'll see, YOU'LL ALL SEE!**

**Chapter two: Too many vampires spoil the vent!**

Just as Bella and Edward had slumped against the wall and commenced planning their suicides a clanking came from the end of the narrow passage.

"Don't close the. . ." Edward and Bella yelled simultaneously but too late Jasper and Alice had already clambered in.

"So you come here everyday?" asked Jasper looking around with a slight smirk.

"It's _usually _very peaceful." sulked Edward. "You've just locked us in you two so well done." He turned away from them and sat staring at the vent wall.

At that moment Rosalie and Emmett squeezed through the tiny space.

"DON'T CLOSE THE. . ." everyone shouted (except Edward who was quietly loosing the will to live in the corner.) But, you guessed it, there was a metallic slam and the vent shook slightly.

"Bit stuffy in here" said Emmett pretending to wipe sweat from his brow. "But you know what they say . . .?" he nudged Rosalie, who gave him a dirty look and edged closer to Alice. "Too many vampires spoil the vent" he cried with the air of a comedian announcing the funniest thing in the world. Everyone had different reactions to this. Rosalie pretended to be sick. Edward despaired. Bella giggled. Alice rolled her eyes. Emmett and Jasper just rolled around in hysterics (not easy to do in a vent).

"Well we better find a way out." Sighed Edward "follow me everyone." And they all trailed after him. Edward leading, then Rosalie, then Jasper, then Bella, then Emmett and then finally Alice.

Of course after shuffling for ten minutes along the cramp passage ways and staring at the each other's butts, there were two yells from behind.

"Emmett!" yelled Rosalie, unable to turn round.

"Alice" yelled Jasper bumping into Rosalie as she halted just in front of him.


	3. Look Edward, what's that?

**AN: So. . .here are some more things you may be thinking after reading that last chapter:**

**I didn't know Emmett was so hilaaaarious.**

**What has happened to Alice and Emmett and does anyone actually care?**

**Why are ALL the Cullens (and Hales, and Swan) in the vent?**

**Well. . .**

**Oh didn't you? What a shame!**

**You'll just have to read and see and yes, YOU must care because u are reading this!**

**Vents are hip, happening places. Get with the programme DUDE!**

**Anyway on with the show.**

**Chapter three: "Look Edward! What's that?"**

As the more intelligent members of planet earth (excluding monkeys and dolphins) will have guessed if you put a giant Emmett in a tiny vent there may be consequences such as the ones Emmett was feeling now.

"Ow! I can feel the consequences!" shouted the one hundred percent stuck Emmett as he wrenched at the vent walls with his shoulders. "Rosalie!" he wailed

"Leave him" Rosalie said and poked Edward to get him moving again.

"What about Alice?" cried Jasper in a wounded tone.

There came a short cry of "Hey" from the wedged one.

A muffled voice sang out from what seemed like far away. "Don't worry about me guys there's another opening here I'll find my way."

And so there were three, yes count 'em three vampires left (Oh and one Bella).

Around ten minutes after the Emmett's shouts had reseeded to a mouse squeak in the background, Bella spotted a light down a passage to her left.

"Edward look! What's that?" she yelled in his general direction. "I think it's a light Edward! Edward?" Edward ignored her and continued. Bella shrugged and turned off, heading towards the light. It was only 15 minutes later that both Bella and the remaining Hales and Cullen stopped.

All this time Bella had found it slightly strange that as she plodded along the light seamed to get further and further away from her and finally released that this mirage was mainly due to the head torch Edward had strapped to her head half an hour previously. "Well how was I supposed to know" she thought moodily imagining the terrible lecture she would soon receive from her boyfriend. It was always the same; "What were you thinking?"; "What if you had died?"; "How many times? Victoria isn't your friend!" She sighed, and then her mood brightened. "Oh well Edward will find me!" she said out loud, curled herself into a ball and fell fast asleep.

Meanwhile Edward, Jasper and Rosalie sat against the wall of the vent 200 meters away.

"It's alright Edward, I'm sure she'll attempt to find us again." said Jasper, unbeknown to the snoring mass that was Bella 5 minutes away.

"I'm sure you're right." resolved Edward "But I'm going to go and try and find her anyway." He got back on his hands and knees and crawled over Rosalie and Jasper.

"We better try and find the way out Rose." said Jasper also getting back on his hands and knees. Rosalie didn't answer.


	4. Jasper's despair

**AN: So I see that Shigure has been writing notes on the bottom of my Author's notes. Well that stops here. You, the readers of my fan fiction are witnesses to the fact that if she writes another note on MY fan fiction I will never share my softfruits with her again!!! Thank you that is all. **

**Present me: This is no longer relavent to my readers of the present but it's kinder cool to have too different me's on the same page, what do you mean you don't think so?!?!**

Chapter Four: Jasper's despair

Rosalie was stuck. Not Emmett-stuck but stuck all the same. She wrenched at the floor of the vent with her bum but to no avail.

"Why did you have a tube of super glue in your back pocket anyway?" said Jasper as he watched her pulling at her skirt in a desperate attempt to be free (Well as free as being trapped in a vent allows).

"I was gluing the bumper of Edward's car back on!" she screamed at him and Jasper cowered against the shiny surface of the vent.

"Erm . . . Rose why were you . . . em . . . doing that?" he stuttered.

"That lamppost wasn't there yesterday okay?" she shouted still tugging but with a little less vigor. The Biology class below looked up from their half masticated frogs to stare at the perfectly ordinary, white ceiling.

"Okay. Calm down Rosalie, why don't you just tear the skirt off the vent and we can be on our way." Jasper said carefully.

Rosalie looked at him with a look of utter disgust. "This is a Visace, one off original."

He looked at her blankly. "The point is the tearing of the skirt thing. . ." she beckoned to him to come closer and he bended in obediently. "NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!!!" she bellowed into his perfectly shape ear and he scrabbled back slamming into the wall.

"Look Rosalie. . ." he tried to find the words and she raised her eyebrows. "Why don't you take the skirt off for now and then later we'll come back to get it and melt the glue with Emmett's blowtorch."

"That's a good plan Jasper!" she said in a bright tone, too bright. "Only one flaw. WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA WEAR?" Jasper flinched and mumbled something. "What?" said Rosalie.

"You . . . wear . . . trousers." he mumbled again.

"What? I can't hear you Jasper." said Rosalie.

"YOU COULD WEAR MY TROUSERS!" he yelled at her.

She looked at him disbelievingly. "And what are you going to wear smartass?" he looked at his shoes. "Yeah thought so." said Rosalie.

"Look we have to go so please take the skirt off Rosalie, I won't look!" he looked at her pleadingly.

"Oh alright face that wall." Rosalie ordered and Jasper obeyed. After much scrabbling Rosalie wiggled out of the skirt and silently, fell head first down a deep shaft sporting, on her bottom half, only a pair of red, lace knickers and black high heals.

Jasper looked round five minutes later, sick of waiting, to find an empty vent stretching for miles in front of him. He let out a long wail nearly crying real tears. "I am stuck in a vent, everyone has abandoned me, my wife is lost, probably for forever." He listed miserably and added for dramatic affect. "MY LIFE IS OVER!" as if from a dream he heard from far, far away "YOUR LIFE WAS OVER TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO!" he let out another melancholy sob and slumped against the vent wall.


	5. Still stuck

**AN: This chapter is dedicated to CNOHERO because her review made ME smile and having a test is never nice. Oh and there was one more thing, ah yes I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN!!!!! That is all. **

Chapter Five: Still Stuck.

As Rosalie shuffled along the vent two things annoyed her. The first was that her red lacey underwear was on proud display, the second was the terrible singing coming from up ahead.

". . . Walk out the door, just turn around now, your not welcome anymore." the singing stop as the Emmett heard clanking sounds getting nearer and nearer.

Rosalie stopped dead and stared at the pair of legs stuck round the corner up ahead. "How the hell. . .?" Rosalie started but was interrupted by the wedged one. "Rosalie? Is that really you?" he piped up. "I was wiggling along and I tried to go round this corner and well didn't quite make it." He voice trailed off as he imagined the look on Rosalie's face at that very moment. He came quite close to the incredulous look that Rosalie was giving him now (or well his bottom half). "Can you help me out? Rosalie? Rosalie?" he wailed, frustrated. But Rosalie was only half listening. She was staring at Emmett's bottom half in a daze and then an idea sprang into her head.

"Only if you give me your trousers!" she said triumphantly.

"What?" was Emmett's only reply.

"Long story." Said Rosalie, quickly.

"Let's hear it then!" he pried.

She sighed and gave in. "I don't exactly have a skirt on."

"Really, let's see" he said enthusiastically and wiggled furiously.

Rosalie didn't say anything; she just yanked at Emmett's belt. There was much struggling and yelling that ensued but poor Emmett _was _stuck from the waist upwards, in a vent and ten minutes later Rosalie was pulling on Emmett's combat grudgingly with poor Emmett clad from the waist down in zebra print boxing shorts and army boots.

He cussed and screamed at her as she shuffled away but she did not care.

_Meanwhile on floor two of the vent. _

"Alice!" Edward yelled in surprise. "Edward!" Alice yelled in surprise. They stared at each other as though checking for actual proof of each others existence. You don't get mirages in vents, thought Edward and smiled a smile that would break my heart cough if I had been there of course, which I wasn't sob sob. "Have you seen Bella?" Edward continued ignoring my mindless rants.

"No!" said Alice looking anxious. "Was I supposed to?" she asked.

"I CAN'T FIND HERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Edward wailed. Alice attempted to pat him on the back but couldn't reach so she patted his face. Edward just looked at her despairingly and they continued the epic journey that was dramatic pause finding Bella.


	6. Poor Bella

**AN: If you have not read any of the other authors notes then at least read this one because if you do not you will not be able to read any more of my WONDEROUS FANFICTIONS!!!!!! Hence forth I shall be detaching myself from the Mabadachi trio and I will have MY OWN ACCOUNT! Exciting or what??? **

**Anyway my new pen name is Georgiana1234 so look me up if you want to know more stalking reports. . .I mean stories about the Cullens. Cya**

**Present me: This isn't relevant either; I wonder why I haven't deleted it.**

Chapter Six: Poor Bella

We have not heard from our unlikely heroin for some time but I am pleased to inform that she was still curled up in her ball of ignorance at the moment when Alice and Edward met just 4.256 meters above her. (How do I know this? Numerous stalking expeditions and a very short ruler shudder.) Bella stretched and unfurled herself forgetting, of course that she was in a vent. She promptly banged her head and twisted her ankle in a very unseemly position. Jasper heard her scream but did not attempt to rescue her for three reasons. Firstly he found it incredibly hard to be in an enclosed space with Bella and thought he might rip her apart. Secondly he was scared that he might run into Rosalie on the way which was a sensible worry as Rosalie was dangerously close to Bella. Thirdly Jasper was on his way out. He had had enough, he had decided to head up and out, heading for the roof, and freedom. Why didn't the other Cullens think of this? Well. . .Rosalie was still to angry to think straight, Bella was still sure that Edward was bound to rescue her sooner or later, Alice and Edward were still looking Bella and it had occurred to Emmett he just wasn't in the position to carry it out being wedged between two metal plates. Happy? What do you mean not really?

Anyway. . . Bella was tired of waiting and quite frankly rather hungry. She crawled out of the safety of her hiding place and into the path of a rampaging Rosalie.

"Oh hi Rosalie!" Bella said brightly. "This whole vent business I getting quite annoying isn't it?" Rosalie just glared at her and muttered something about an understatement.

"Whatever Bella." She finally said. "Just get out of my way!" she yelled and attempted to push past her in a bid for freedom. Unfortunately circumstances were once again on the vent's side and the two girls got firmly glued together. Oh dear! That is all I can say. Oh dear! Rosalie shoved Bella out of the way and Bella tumbled into a deep shaft. Unluckily for Bella there were no passages off this shaft so Bella once again curled herself up and closed her eyes chanting "Edward will save me." Under her breath. POOR BELLA.

Rosalie looked at me. "Poor Bella?" she screeched. "Poor Bella? I've had to put up with so much crap from you, you know that? My skirt, my husband and now that little. . ." Rosalie said something which I dare not type otherwise your ears might explode. "Stop writing in that stupid fing notebook" she yelled and grabbed the notebook from me and scrawled at the bottom:

POOR ROSALIE!!!!!!!!

And then the Author of this silly story spontaneously combusted, disappearing into thin air, never to see Edward stupid smile again.

"You know I'm not actually going to put that in Rosalie?" I raised an eyebrow at her (something I have only just learnt to do.) she made a rude gesture at me and flounced off. I followed her at a safe distance, careful to keep my narrating to a whisper.

"I can still here you!" she screamed. I sighed and turned to the dark shaft peering in. Poor Bella, I whispered and there was a giggle from down below.

And that was the end of the chapter (but not the story, no the author of this "silly story" has much more to tell you about Rosalie's dismal fate inside the VENT MWAHAHAHAHA)

**AN: I just like to say that I did not actually spontaneously combust and disappear into thin air. **


	7. Free at last

**AN: I'm sorry I haven't been writing for a while but my new account is taking all of my attention. Fear not readers of this fanfiction this chapter is on its way, now I must get down to writing it.**

Chapter Seven: Free at last.

"Free at last." said Emmett and Jasper simultaneously. Unfortunately they were on other ends of the building, Emmett still being in the vent and Jasper stretching out his limbs and gazing out at the setting sun on Forks high school's roof. He considered, for a split second, going back for the others but decided against this. You may think that I'm showing Jasper in a highly negative light and that in actual he would heroically venture back into the vent to find and save his wife from her fate. But you, dear reader have not been in a vent and therefore no not of how unpleasant it was, squeezed into the tight space and if you _have_ been in a vent I daresay Jasper is marginally bigger than you.

Jasper jumped down from the room and hopped into the silver Volvo that was parked outside the school, looking forward to a good long soak when he got home.

Emmett is also to be congratulated. Although he was still in the metallic prison he was at least moving now and getting closer and closer to the spot where Bella now sat sniffling and generally wollowing in self pity.

"Hello?" she yelled tearfully as she heard scuffling up above. Emmett paused.

"Bella?" he looked around him. "Where the hell _are_ you?" he pressed his ear to the wall of the vent and strained to hear her.

"Emmett!" she said in relief and shouted "I'm down here." Emmett's face appeared above her.

"What are you doing down there?" he asked cocking his head to one side, unable to see her in the darkness. Bella decided not to condemn Rosalie yet.

"Erm, I fell." She said sounding slightly embarrassed. Emmett hoisted her out with one arm. She couldn't help asking. "What happened to your trousers Emmett?" Emmett's face grew dark and solemn but he also decided not to condemn his wife.

"Erm. . ." he hesitated. "They fell." Bella puzzled over this for a moment and then shrugged, starting to lead the way to . . . well I'm not quite sure where she actually thought she was going but where they ended up was next to Rosalie's super glued skirt. Emmett had an idea.

"Bella turn around." He said and she obeyed obediently. Emmett pulled off the skirt with one yank and put it on over his tartan boxers. It was a bit of a squeeze but to Emmett's delight it stretched quite nicely.

On the other side of the vent Rosalie, Edward and Alice were finally giving up.

"Maybe they got out." said Alice leaning against the side of the vent and sighing.  
Edward glared at her; two hours without Bella had made him extremely crabby and irritable.

"Alice is right, we can't keep going round and round in circles like this." said Rosalie, frustrated. "We'll never find th-." But Rosalie never got to finish because Bella and Emmett appeared round the corner at that very second. Edward sat up quickly and banged his head. Bella giggled and crawled as fast as she could towards him. Edward leant over Rosalie, who had to slide down the wall, to kiss Bella on the cheek and stare into her eyes. As touching reunions go this was a particularly touching one and Alice let out a soft "Awwwww." Rosalie gagged which was a bit hypercritical, I thought, as if she and Emmett had been talking to each other there reunion would have probably have been just as touching.

"Let's get out of here." said Edward still staring into Bella's eyes.

"What about Jasper?" asked Alice half heartedly.

"He's a big boy." Rosalie snapped and led the way up to the roof.

The Cullens emerged into the twilight air and slumped against the railings. Everyone was beat. Rosalie noticed Emmett's new garment but chose to say nothing. This I offer as evidence of how beat the Cullens were. Bella's face brightened suddenly and she said, enthusiastically.

"Hey guys, I've just thought of something." They all looked at her. She put on a ridiculous Transylvanian accent and said spiritedly "I vent to suck your blood." She collapsed into hysterics; the Cullens just looked at her in disbelief.

**AN: So that was the last chapter. Boohoo. Want more? Georgiana1234!!!! That's my name don't ware it out. (Gees, you'd think I'd just spent two hours in a vent) **

**Farewell,**

**Georgiana**

**Xxx**

**Present me: So there you have it!! Did you like it? I guess I'll never know unless you review!!!**


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